When I take my time

As my mind fills with many inspiration, the smells of banana cake from the oven, and the music of Homesick by Kings of Convenience. All of those simply remind me how am sometimes super introvert. Trying to avoid people, avoiding the need to talk even to smile. I just want to sit down on the balcony, slowly sipping a cup of black coffee, just thinking and thinking.

Drowning in my own thinking makes me realise a lot of things. Things that have passed and should be done. Checking all my old bucket list, and thicked it one by one. Drowning in my fantasy of living and remain at this moment to be always resilient. I am pretty sure I will miss this moment. The moment of silence! Just doing nothing, albeit, in reality, many to-do-lists are waiting to be done. Still dancing in my own imagination, care about no one or non-sense thing people say about you. Just being with yourself at its finest.

The Moment of Silence!

Those might be the condition that I always have pre- and post- moment of my depression phase. To be honest this year, my depression has been intensified. This year I got to know, that the more I am with myself, it is the moment that I am at my depression phase. I did not realise it until the moment I went to a psychologist. I tend to close my self to a crowd, even surrounded by 5 persons gets too overwhelming sometimes. I try to make the circle as small as possible, to make it comfortable for myself. Otherwise, I will just leave the crowd. It does not matter how close we are, once it gets too uncomfortable for myself, I do not care anymore. Think of how selfish I am like a normal human being. At this moment, people keep on asking me with a bunch of same questions just to make sure that I am okay. And I will just keep answering the same, "I am okay, thank you !". As this is the best way of avoiding any kind of contact with people, especially when it comes to expressing my feeling. I am just as bad as that.

But what I have learnt from going back and forth to the therapy session (I prefer to be called like that, because for some people going to a psychologist might seem too strong). My therapist did say something about giving a room to my feeling as a human. He suggested to me that I have to let my feeling also grow. He, indeed, told me that as a normal human being, your mind would not always align the same as your feeling. You should be able to give room for each of it. He also mentioned that your thoughts might be easily shared with people, but maybe your feeling is another story. You prefer to keep it for yourself. However, for some, they like to share it with others. He emphasised again, "It's normal!". I just need to take my time to get used to everything, as I also realise that most of the time. This situation just reminded me of my shared-thought about how you would fall in love deeply with people, which it developed so strong, and the next day you had a big fight, you say that you hate that person. For me, it is impossible. You could not just adjust your feeling, as you change your perspective towards something. It does take time.

At this point in my life, I sometimes could not believe how I was able to deceive my feeling with my strong thought about everything. I just nailed it easy-peasy for almost 4 years, and when all the problems got way over the top, I was shocked myself. But somehow I knew the way to get away of it, yet, indeed it did not solve the problem. Then until its snow-ball-effect hit me on the downside of the mountain. It seemed like all my burden trying to slap me right away to say, "There you are! Issues that you do not like to solve!". (I wrote this when I was in the Netherlands, and before I finished the whole therapy sessions) But one thing to remember that I still have this issue, that comes and goes whenever it wants. All I have to do is to try to cure every single wound and let the feeling grows, so the root is getting stronger and stronger until I have no fear anymore to face the same problem.